The Third Life and Thereafter – 3
“I want you to protect my little
sister.”
When
I said that, Crow just tilted his head while making a wondering expression.
Then, while keeping this pose, he inquired,
“Why?”
“Because I want to protect her.”
When
I answered, he bent his neck even more. That movement looked somewhat strange.
Because he was coiled in black robes, he looked like a magician or a life-size
puppet.
Recently
Cross came to my room every day without fail. Unlike the first time he invaded
without permission, he conscientiously knocks the window gla.s.s with his beck
and waits for me to open it, however, I still didn’t know how he managed to
pa.s.s through the iron grid. If my eyes wander away from him for a mere instant,
before I knew it the next second he stands in the middle of the room. And at
the same time he has taken his human form.
“…Well, alright. Since you desire
so.”
Crow
who laughed and made a small smile was bewitching. The unreadable and
artificial expression he was making was somewhat similar to Soleil’s, but I
thought it looked more human, and that unbalanced reminded me that I didn’t
know the true nature of this being. To put it badly, I wonder if you could say
he seemed eerie.
“But it’s strange. Why do you
treasure that little sister so much?”
Walking
meaninglessly around the room, his appearance as he was rampaging through the
dresser and the bookshelf like it was no big deal was not so different from the
time he was a bird. That’s why I felt it proved that bird and that man were the
same being.
“Don’t you think a little sister is
an existence that should be cherished?”
When
I answered this, Crow threw himself on the bed I was sitting and laughed.
“Right, I guess so. But you know,
that, I think it’s a sophism.”
“A sophism?”
“Yup. Saying ‘since she’s a little
sister, she must be treasured’, it’s only a fragment of the truth.”
I
think he is older than me. But according to what I saw, I also had the hunch he
was considerably younger. If you looked closely, his features were those of a
young boy, but at the second you thought so, he would show a mature expression.
I truly think he was a mysterious man.
“You like your fiancé, right? Isn’t
she your love rival?”
The
man who was slumped on the bed said so while raising his almond eyes.
“… Have I told you about
Soleil-sama?”
“No. But I can tell just by
watching.”
Crow
raised a cheerful laugher. I really wonder from where he was watching. At least
I’ve never exchanged words with Soleil in front of him. In the first place,
Crow appeared in the middle of the night, and because he came only to my room,
even if he said he was watching me I actually didn’t feel it was the case.
Maybe during day time, he was taking a different form? I thought about asking
him, but I suddenly realized he wasn’t the kind of man who would obediently and
honestly answered such a question.
“Saying 'it's because she’s my rival
in love' won’t become enough of a reason to not cherish her…”
At
least that was the case for me. For me who knew what would happen from now on,
I had a reason to treasure her. This time too it was the same. In order to not
lose my little sister, I’ll do the things that must be done. That was it. And
so, I will use the things that can be used. Just like last time.
“Moreover, didn’t you say that
compensation will be unnecessary? That you’ll lend me your hand.”
“Well, I certainly said so. I don’t
need any reward. Reward in monetary term that is.”
“…”
“Don’t make that face. I’ll fulfil
my promise. … But I haven’t heard your answer.”
Crow
who abruptly rose up put his head on my lap, behaving like a spoiled child.
“However, I want a motive.”
“… A motive?”
“A motive for me to make a move.”
The
silent air froze. I felt it. It was neither warm nor cold, so to speak, it was
like I was pierced by a pair of eyes that were like two pitch black stones. It
was as if they were telling me they wouldn’t allow me to evade the question.
“… … Just once.”
“…hm?”
“Once, my life was saved by my
little sister.”
That’s
right. And so, I can hardly leave my little sister. I’m feeling indebted to
her. I’ve the obligation to protect that frail little sister.
“In my childhood, there was a time I
was about to be kicked by the horse I was taking care of.”
I
said I was taking care of it, but it’s not like I was earnestly doing it. From
time to time I would go to the stables to take a breather from my studies, and
then I would a.s.sist the stable boy but only to the degree of landing a hand. In
reality you could say I was in the way of his work. I thought so at that time
too. And so, everybody who was there at that time was careless. Usually it was
a docile horse, n.o.body thought such a thing would happen. The stable boy was
also beside me, holding the horse’s bridle. That’s why, n.o.body expected the
horse to raise its front feet, frightened by me who had stumbled upon a stone and
fell down in front of it.
… … Big
sister!
I clearly
remember the hands of my young little sister that covered my back. My little
sister hadn’t been here from the beginning, she simply happened to be pa.s.sing
nearby by chance. As usual she had been sick and confined in bed until a few
days before, and probably because it wasn’t good to always stay shut in her
room, her maids brought her out for a walk as a light exercise. There, she
caught sight of me who was about to be kicked by the horse. Really, it only
happened coincidentally. Then she tried to protect me as much as she could.
The horse
neighed and his huge figure over us drew near. I, who couldn’t even move
because of fear, was protected by my very, very small little sister. At the
critical moment, if the stable boy who noticed the situation hadn’t pull on the
bridle, my little sister’s head would surely have been kicked by the horse. It
probably wouldn’t have ended well.
“… That’s all?”
Crow
who was listening to my story showed a dumbfounded expression.
“… … Yes, that’s all.”
But
“that” was more than enough. In those days, because my sickly little sister had
been isolated most of the time, I had barely exchanged any words with her at
all. Even though some distance was born because she was a little sister from a
different mother, since we were physically separated, there were even less
occasions to come in contact. I knew I had a little sister, but I wasn’t
strongly aware of her existence. Whether she was here or not, I thought it was
the same. And yet. That child, called me “big sister” and tried to protect me.
To the point of wholeheartedly using her whole body.
“In short, you were moved by her
kindness.”
“… Right. Maybe that’s the case.”
Silvia
protected me on the spur of the moment, when she came back to herself and saw
we were both safe, she was trembling a little. She tightly shrank her
excessively helpless and slender limbs and clang to me, crying it had been
scary. That’s why I embraced that body while making a vow. I swore I would
protect that small and frail little sister. The next time something would
happen, I thought I should protect
her.
And
yet.
“… … Ahah, good. It’s good, very
good.”
A
pair of pitch black eyes looked toward me. I didn’t know what he was thinking,
but his sharp eyes had become softer, loosen in delight.
“Alright, I understand. I’ll protect
your little sis.”
Since
I don’t dislike those human-liked emotions, said Crow while playing and rubbing
the back of his head over my laps. When I reflexively stroke his forehead, for
a second, Crow made an engrossed expression and soon laughed with satisfaction.
Only
a little time remained before I graduate from the academy. If things continue
like this and nothing happens, Soleil and I will get married. Then, after three
years, that summer will come again. That summer where Silvia is attacked in a
robbery and die.
This
time, I wonder what on earth will happen? Can I do it well?
I’m
scared. I think I’m just scared.
But,
if I don’t do it well, I’ll be condemned by Soleil again.
*
*
The
day Soleil and I got married, Silvia took part to the ceremony as a relative.
After the
ceremony itself, we a.s.sembled outside the church where a small garden had been
prepared and received blessings from our relatives and old friends. My little
sister stood before Soleil and I with my parents and congratulated us with a
smile. Be happy, she said as she laughed. Despite it being my own wedding
ceremony, I only remembered clearly my little sister’s appearance. Her silver
hairs were gathered loosely and she was wearing a light red lipstick that drew
one’s eyes. It looked really attractive on her white skin. Just like that tea
party where the two of them met for the first time, she was wearing a beige
dress close to a white color and was showing a little smile. The ephemeral
figure of the pet.i.te and delicate little sister who didn’t leave the house much
was eye-catching and stood out a lot more that I, the bride.
Soleil
gave his thanks to the congratulating words Silvia expressed. Beside me, that cold pair of eyes slightly loosened. But the face I saw from profile carried a
tinge of lamentation that couldn’t be hidden. He couldn’t be with the one he
loved. Once again, he was realizing this.
I
couldn’t look at his face any longer and when I suddenly raised my eyes, above
my head I saw a black bird flying in big circles. As if it was laughing at
me.
“… Crow.”
Soleil
who heard my mutter with his sharp ears bent his head with a puzzled
expression. When I shook my head and said it was nothing, he left it as it was,
stifled a yawn and dismissed it with a bored “I see.” It was as if he didn’t
have any interest. As if it was completely not worth worrying about it. And
then, his gaze once again turned toward my little sister.
Today
should have been the happiest day of my life. The me of the first life
certainly believed this. It took several weeks to choose today dress. And yet,
there were still part I wasn’t please with so I embroidered them myself. Each
time I inserted a needle, I felt I took a step closer to happiness. My mouth
would smile widely as I made that wish. But, if you attentively observed the
situation like I was doing now, you could see Soleil didn’t have the slightest
bit of affection toward me. In order to not let anybody sense it, to not let
anybody realize it, he pretended nothing was wrong, but I knew that in reality
he found me annoying and was tired of me.
To
that extent, that much. I’m not loved by Soleil.
While
watching the icy profile of Soleil who pledged an eternal love before G.o.d, I
realized this man would deceived even G.o.d like this. He was a person who sealed
his own love for the sake of politics. A person who chose to defend his lands
and people rather than love. In that way, it can be said that since he was able to
restrain his emotions and take rational decisions, he was the ideal figure for an
administrator. The people who lost sight of their road due to love were not few.
But, him, would never do that. He chose me for that.
And
it was that person I fell in love with. Even when I see his appearance that can
be interpreted as being cold-headed, there is no way my emotion would subside.
That’s
why, in front of G.o.d, I pledge a true oath. I would continue to love him at all
times. Even if he didn’t love me, I could swear a love worth of two persons’
share. By doing so, maybe someday rewarding times would come.
And
then, I became Soleil’s wife.
…
… I think my third life was, if compared to the previous lives, spent in
overwhelmingly calmer days. While making preparations for that summer day, I
also lead a social life as the wife of a marquis, fulfilling my duties as
Soleil’s spouse without a flaw. Everything was for the sake of avoiding the
incident that would happen during the summer of the third year. It was
necessary to build personal connections and to furthermore strengthen those
relations.h.i.+ps. I worked vigorously in order to make the necessary arrangements
and lay the groundwork.
“Because it’s you Iria who told me
to, I looked into it, but what the h.e.l.l do you want to do with such a small group of bandits?”
Crow
tilted his head, mystified. But he cooperated without any further pressing me
who was dodging his question ambiguously and didn’t give a reason.
“I don’t know what you’re trying to
do, but anyhow, since I’m bored, lending a hand is no problem at all” he said
with a smile.
…
… And then, one day. An unforeseen incident occurred.
When
I arrived at the place I had been called because he had something to talk about
with me, I discovered that Soleil had brought along my little sister. Silvia
had a green and stiffed expression, and Soleil was standing in front of such a
little sister as if to protect her. When I stared at their figures wondering
what happened, Soleil said to me with a n.o.ble face that looked no different
from usual,
“… Silvia is not to blame.”
Abruptly
starting the conversation with those words, first of all he urged my little
sister whose complexion was bad to sit down. But Silvia silently shook her
head. Tears were acc.u.mulating inside her big eyes, as if she was enduring
something she closed her lips tightly like she was about to cry at any moment.
Seized by a presentiment, my back trembled a little.
“… She got pregnant.”
Soleil
who suddenly inhaled a long breath declared this with a voice devoid of any
intonation.
“… Who is it?”
My
muttered words fell down inside the wide drawing room. I knew it in my head,
but my mouth couldn’t catch up with my understanding and moved
unintentionally.
“Silvia is pregnant with my child.”
This
time when the words were clearly told, my mind became pure white. Yes,
literally pure white.
There
was only the three of us in the drawing room that had been cleared out of
people beforehand. That’s why my unsteady breathing sounds echoed clearly. The
voice that finally managed to squeeze out the word “Why?” was shaking greatly. The
trembling word that was said as if I was spitting out a lump of stone from the
depth of my chest rolled down without any meaning.
Silvia
had a frail body, it was concluded it would probably be difficult for her to want
children. For that reason, she didn’t have a fiancé. Inside the n.o.ble society
where it is said giving birth to an heir is the women’s role, she was at an
overwhelming disadvantage. It was supposed to be the case. Until that moment.
Not
knowing what to do, I kept repeating “Why?” like an idiot. With a voice that
seemed to be about to vanish, Silvia answered in a mutter, “Big sister, I’m
sorry.” While keeping her figure at the corner of my field of vision, my eyes
moved toward Soleil’s face. I’m sure today was our wedding anniversary. The
anniversary of our second year. Only two years have pa.s.sed.
While
I was making the arrangements to face the summer of the third year, in a place I
didn’t know, those two had many lover meetings over and over again.
The
only one who kept his composure at that time was probably Soleil. Even though
it could count as an infidelity, he told in a clear voice that didn’t reveal
the slightest feeling of guilt “I am in love with Silvia.” In my previous life,
in the one before too, they were the words I didn’t receive not even once. No
matter how much I devoted myself, no matter how many times I said I loved
Soleil, those words were never returned, not even once. Those words, has my little
sister obtained them only because she was “Silvia”? Will she build a happy
family while I literally couldn’t even hold in my arms the child I gave birth
to? Those things, were what I originally should have got.
I
screamed loudly. As if my shout could shatter the world to pieces. Even though
I knew such a stupid thing would never happen.
*
“… Iria, why are you crying?”
I
was laying on the floor rounded up like a fetus when an oddly sweet voice came
from above. When I looked up, Crow’s beautiful face was right there. At that
time, when they heard me screamed, the escorts barged into the drawing room. I
unconsciously searched for the figure of Al, but then I remembered that after I
got married I left Al behind at my parent’s home. When I told him to protect my
little sister rather than me, his face looked hurt for a second before he managed
to erase his expression. After having barged into the room, the escort of the
marquis house whom I had never exchanged even a single word with, carried me up as
I was still in a confused and shocked state, then he threw me into my room and
locked it up from the outside.
“… Crow, Crow,”
If
I’m allowed to give an excuse, then I’ll said that at that time, I was surely
at my limit. I, who had gone over my critical points many times, who had tasted
true despair, at that moment, I hung
onto the nearest person who offered me a gentle expression, Crow. That why, I
talked about the path I was following, about everything regarding the incidents
I couldn’t perceive as reality. Surely, I must have wished for someone to pity
me and show me some compa.s.sion. I wished for someone to console me “You’ve
endure well by yourself.” And then, I wished for them to tell me “It’s alright
to not worry anymore.” Anything was fine, I just wanted a reason to live
through this cruel reality.
“Iria, Iria …”
After
having listen until the end to the story I told while sobbing convulsively and
spitting out words bit by bit, Crow called my name.
Would
he believe in such an absurd story? But I wanted him to. Otherwise.
A
slender finger scooped up my chin. In my field of vision that has been forcibly
raised up, Crow’s face appeared. Regarding what this white face that was like a
mask was thinking about, nothing could be read from his expression. His pitch-black
pair of eyes was reflecting my weeping and anxious expression.
“If what you are saying is true,
then…”
Crow
cut his words at that point and stared intensely in my eyes. It was as if he
was trying to peek into the depth of my heart. When I thought that, as expected,
he didn’t believe it, my feelings sank, but then they were risen up by his
followings words. However, his next words were not ones of sympathy nor
kindness.
“It’s almost like h.e.l.l.”
Licking
the tears shed on my cheeks, Crow laughed.
“Hey, Iria. The place called h.e.l.l,
is were sinner goes, right?”
“Sinner…?”
“People who committed sins fall down
to that place after their death, no? And then, there they receive their
punishment, don’t they”
“They receive…”
Their
punishment… ?
“If this is h.e.l.l. If you’re
receiving your punishment. Then, what kind of sin did you commit?”
Crow’s
cold fingers tightly grasped my hands like he was scratching a short pile
carpet and pinned me down from above.
“Why is it happening to you and you
alone?”
“Why is it only you that repeat the
same time?”
Several
drops of water fell on Crow hand that is covering my trembling fingers. If this
is a punishment. If this is the reparation for committing a sin. Then my sin
must surely be having wished for my own happiness. In other words, it had the
same meaning as wis.h.i.+ng for Soleil and Silvia’s unhappiness. Certainly, the me
of my first life was delighted by Silvia’s death.
But
was it a sin worth of giving rise to this much of a h.e.l.l?
“Can it be that you, you think that
you’re the only one unhappy… … ?”
How
did I answer Crow’s question? I don’t remember anymore. What I remember, is my
own figure as I stood alone in my room.
“However, my lady, you’re not the kind of person who would choose to end
her own life.”
That was what had a.s.serted Al’s
voice.
Still,
I was always anxious, and after my marriage I never brought an edged tool
inside my room. Because I feared the possibility that I would injure my skin
myself. Whether it was scissor, knife or razor, I didn’t leave anything in my
room. So, I braided a rope with the bed sheets I tore with my tooth.
I
wasn’t sane. I wasn’t sane, but I completely understood what I was doing. The
infant I could never embrace not even once, my little sister will surely hold
him inside her arms. When I imagined Soleil’s face as he was smiling in happiness
while looking at the two, it became easy to carry it out. It’s already over. I’ve
already lost my purpose. I cannot watch the appearance of that child who had
become happy, I cannot watch Soleil building a future with someone else. If it’s a punishment, if it’s the reparation
for having committed a sin, then. This reality will simply continue. A sudden
complete reversal of the story will not occur.
I
hung the rope around my neck. The tips of my toes slipped off the chair I was stepping
on.
