The Second Life – 2

　　            In

　　my second life, among the alternatives I lost, there was the thing called

　　‘peace.’

　　            Although

　　I had sunk to the level of a foolish woman only concerned about Soleil who ran

　　around driven by a violent emotion of deep jealousy, originally, I wasn’t a

　　person who liked disputes. My words were few, I wasn’t eloquent, rather than

　　standing in front of someone, it was more in my nature to step back behind

　　someone and let him protect me. I wonder if it’s possible that, when you’re

　　born and raised as the daughter of a n.o.ble, it becomes your natural

　　disposition. An escort always sticks to you, before you can act a maid had

　　already sensed what you want to do and had carried it out. In an emergency

　　case, your life takes precedence over everyone else, you should be protected by

　　either your father or your husband, without doubt you will believe that their

　　large back exist for this purpose.

　　            However,

　　Soleil didn’t desire for his wife to be like this. Despite him falling in love

　　with a so frail being, even then, I don’t know if it’s because he was seeking a

　　person able to bear the weight of being a marquis’s wife, but he never allowed

　　me to be a weak existence. I think that was especially the case after we got

　　married. As the figure of a proper husband, while he would encourage me with

　　gentle words, if I were to really ask him to lend me his shoulder, he would

　　show a somewhat disappointed expression.  

　　            That

　　was why I had had to become a wife stronger than anyone.

　　            The

　　me of the first life, probably had only been a normal woman. The kind of woman

　　you could find anywhere. She may have received the training to become a marquis’s

　　wife, but it can be said it was only such a woman. Regarding her other aspects,

　　she was an ordinary woman to the extend she seemed pathetic. That was why, she

　　would slander the women who got close to Soleil or pick quarrels with them, using

　　these unmistakably poor methods to try to keep them away. The one who had been

　　barking like a weak dog, without doubts, it had been me. I think it was because

　　I clung to the position of being Soleil’s fiancé. With hairs of the plain color

　　of ashes, mediocre features, but without casting away the pride of being an

　　earl’s daughter, by relaying only on my feelings for Soleil, I always stood

　　stock still in the middle of the violent stream called life. For that purpose,

　　I had piled up efforts as thought I would vomit blood. Otherwise, even simply

　　standing would have been difficult.

　　            …

　　… In that manner, when I looked back on the me of my first life, I thought

　　this. All the things that happened, didn’t they occur because I had been a weak

　　human being? Because my heart was weak, because I was a daughter who had

　　nothing, I had provided a weak spot for those who looked down on me to take

　　advantage of. Because the situation had been like this, I had been accused of

　　the sin of murdering my own family and lost my life in jail.

　　            When

　　I learnt this was my second life, I thought that this time, I must lead it

　　well. Even if I only looked good on the surface. Even if I only became a paper

　　tiger. If, from the perspective of other people I looked like a tiger, those

　　who would attempt an attack would probably disappear.

　　            A

　　life that would end in a jail, I didn’t want to experience it again. The person

　　I loved didn’t trust me, my family turned their back on me, the people I

　　considered my friend ignored me once I was thrown in prison. The pathetic woman

　　who could only pray, didn’t receive a single word from them. Even if it had

　　been a lie, it would have been fine. If even one person had told me “I’ll help

　　you”, with only that I would have been saved. The me who had been waiting with

　　all her heart for that single word to be said, had been a pitifully and

　　miserably, irremediably wretched existence. And more than anything, she had

　　been foolish.

　　            That’s

　　why, the me of my second life, took every possible measure and used all the

　　cards she could play. Even if someone called me a coward, even if I was scorned

　　for only being a woman, I never gave in, and made full use of my position as

　　the next marquis’s wife. I acted that way at the time I was a fiancé, after the

　　marriage I expended my circle of friends, and with an authority that was enough

　　to overpower my surroundings, I strengthened my power base. I was considerably

　　helped by the personal connections I had built since my early childhood thanks

　　to my standing as Soleil’s fiancé. In my first life, I had been straightforward

　　like an idiot, and never had the idea of using others. So, in my second life, I

　　didn’t hesitate. Something like wavering shouldn’t happen. Them too, not for my

　　sake, not for me as an individual being, would spare no effort and lend a hand

　　if it was for a marquis. And in

　　exchange, I would also send my a.s.sistance if they needed it.

　　            …

　　… What I had overlooked in my previous life, now I could see it terribly

　　clearly. What words to choose for your conversation partner to harbor good will

　　toward you, what kind of att.i.tude to take to give him or her a good impression

　　of you; by always reading their slightest reactions, the human being called

　　Iria was created. When facing someone, I took note of their nonchalant

　　gestures, tone of voice, slips of tongue, expressions, line of sight, the

　　number of times they would blink, even reaching the point of noticing the

　　jolting of an eyeball, I observed them like I was descripting insects. When

　　doing this, in due course, I understood who betrayed me, or who would try to

　　betray me. I traced a clear demarcation between the people I could trust and

　　those I couldn’t.

　　            Sometimes,

　　only because there were slightly suspicious, people would be convicted.

　　            For

　　me, no, for the people backing me, the power to make such a thing happen

　　existed. In my first life, I had been in the position where I knew somebody had

　　set me up, but I myself had been unable to stop it. I knew that being careless would

　　led to dying. While tracking down people and driving them to a corner made me

　　harbor feeling of guilt, it was necessary in order to protect myself to the

　　end. Because I knew without doubts that if, like in my first life, I was

　　accused of any crime, both Soleil and my parents, even the friends I had become

　　intimate with, would easily abandon me. In that way, I simply single-mindedly

　　sought power, harvested all the highly subtle suspicions, and trampled them.

　　            To

　　this, Soleil simply gave his tacit consent. What I was doing, was similar to

　　how I had act before our marriage, but he probably knew I wasn’t driven by a

　　childish jealousy now. After all, he was a member of the n.o.bility. He

　　understood that by only glossing over things, you couldn’t defend the house.

　　For this reason, he chose me as his wife, as his piece.     

　　            “You’re a terrible woman” told me

　　someone. “I don’t want to become enemy

　　with you”, he smiled bitterly while somewhere in his eyes, he disavowed

　　such a woman.

　　            However,

　　only Soleil grasped my hand, and told me it was fine. “Even when I’m absent, I can entrust the house to you with peace of

　　mind.”

　　            …

　　… “I’m really glad I have taken a woman

　　such as Iria as my wife”, he said with a smile.

　　            That’s

　　why I persuaded myself. With this, it’s alright. With this, there is no doubt.

　　It was the correct past.     

　　            Any

　　number of times, I told myself that by following that path, by doing so, Silvia

　　wouldn’t die.

　　            For

　　the sake of protecting Silvia, to accomplish that end, this time I really have

　　to do my best. I have to be strong. I have to be an existence everyone is

　　afraid of. No matter how much I truly don’t want to be such a figure. I must

　　become an existence completely different from the child Soleil fell in love

　　with.

　　            And

　　then, in the early summer three years after our marriage. The fateful day came

　　once again.

　　            In

　　my second life, the gang of thieves that had attacked Silvia that day had

　　already been arrested. The one who had acted against them had been me. Because

　　I couldn’t stand by and do nothing when I knew she would be attacked, I used

　　all the cards in my hands to drive that organization to its annihilation. They,

　　who were arrested, probably had never thought such a thing would happen. They

　　had dumbfounded expressions. When I looked at those faces, I could see that the

　　raid on Silvia had only really just be due to the flow of events. At least, at

　　the stage when they were arrested, they hadn’t plan to attack the carriage of

　　an earl. In other words, that incident in itself only occurred that day by

　　accident. And of course, Silvia hadn’t been specially targeted. The people who

　　had set me up had just made good use of this incident.

　　            If

　　you thought like this, since the gang of thieves had been arrested, the odds that

　　Silvia wouldn’t die were high.      

　　            However,

　　I could hardly say the situation was safe. Because I didn’t know what kind of trigger

　　would bring about that calamity. Clearly explaining her to not go outside,

　　deploying an escort behind the scene, I devoted myself to the sake of

　　protecting that child.

　　            I

　　have to change the course of these events. I simply thought that.

　　            The

　　future where Silvia is killed. The future where I am arrested as the murderer.

　　The future where Soleil turns his back on me. This huge flow that is headed

　　toward those ends, I have to change it.

　　            On

　　that very day, just to be sure, I made Soleil head toward my parents' home. It would have

　　been fine to go there myself, but if anything happened, two woman who could

　　barely move would simply become hindrances. When it came to Silvia, if you had

　　to name only one person you could entrust her to, there would be no one else

　　but Soleil. I don’t want to let him go, I don’t want to let Silvia and Soleil meet.

　　But even if that was what I thought, for that one day only, I couldn’t let

　　anyone else go to that child’s side. When I told him that recently, Silvia had

　　been in a poor condition and I wanted him to meet her in my stand, Soleil

　　agreed without raising any question. Just for a little bit, in front of that

　　slightly relaxed lips, I closed my eyes, lowered my head and entrusted him with

　　my little sister. At the tip of my lowered line of sight, my crossed hands were

　　trembling. For what reason were they trembling, I don’t know. Because I’m

　　anxious? Because I’m insecure? I thought at once I mustn’t let Soleil notice

　　it. What should I do if he perceives it? What excuse can I make? Thinking all that,

　　I raised my head, but.

　　            …

　　… He wasn’t even seeing me.    

　　            My

　　face was indeed reflected in his eyes, but it was as if he was looking at me

　　from afar. Was he thinking about Silvia who he would meet after this?   

　　            However,

　　even then, it was fine. Because, I hadn’t been wrong. I hadn’t made a mistake.

　　Even if the trembling of my hands wouldn’t calm down. Even if Soleil doesn’t

　　even notice it.

　　            As

　　long as that child doesn’t die, it’s alright. It was today. For today. Today

　　only. I ought to tolerate it.

　　            Then,

　　that day pa.s.sed peacefully and uneventfully, like any other ordinary day.

　　Silvia was safe and nothing happened. It seemed she didn’t leave the mansion

　　nor did she go outside. At last, I had made it through.

　　            Thanks

　　goodness. It was great. Truly great. The things I did weren’t in vain. 

　　            On

　　the evening of that day, alone, I broke down crying.

　　            I

　　felt I had finally been released from the fate that ended in tragedy. In a mood

　　where I wanted to let out in a cry that all was fine, I shed tears without

　　suppressing my sobbing. I pretended I didn’t notice that Soleil, who said he

　　would be back by dusk, hadn’t return even after it had become the middle of the

　　night.

　　            …

　　… And then, the time that I had lost in my first life, was returned to me.

　　            I

　　earnestly believed I would become a new me, that from now on my real life would

　　start. My expectations and hopes were that, my life from now own would be

　　conferred with a brilliant glow. I was convinced of that. Even now, Soleil was

　　at my side, performing his duty as a husband. In the future, I would always be

　　beside him.

　　            Right,

　　it wouldn’t be bad to have children soon. My true role was to give birth to the

　　next heir and to raise him. Soleil would surely become a good father, and even

　　I could become a good mother. Right, it would be good. To have a family. To

　　become a family.  

　　            This

　　time, I would truly be united in marriage with Soleil.

　　            I

　　had such a dream. A blessed and happy dream.

　　            A

　　dream that was destined to never come true.