The Third Life and Thereafter – 5

　　“You have to properly understand that there is

　　no replacement for you.” I remembered the words told by the marquis’s wife. For that reason,

　　first, I started by raising a person capable of becoming my replacement. While

　　affecting a casual manner, pretending nothing was wrong, while being easygoing,

　　to my gentle little sister, to Silvia, I taught everything I had learnt so far by

　　pretending it was a training in homemaking arts. It may have been harsh to do

　　this to her who didn’t even have a fiancé. From a third person’s perspective,

　　it may have seemed like I was bulling her, and indeed, that was what said the

　　maids. However, when I told her it was necessary for the sake of her future,

　　only Silvia slightly narrowed her eyes and soon started to laugh with a joy

　　that came from the bottom of her heart.

　　“I, until today, I felt like I was

　　already dead.”

　　            My

　　little sister looked at me with eyes that weren’t the slightest bit clouded. The

　　words she a.s.sembled together in a breath sounds like they were carrying a

　　feeling of exhaustion. There is nothing I

　　can do about my weak body, at best all I can try to improve it is to take a

　　daily stroll. Even if I want to chat a bit, because it will tire me out it’s

　　prohibited. I’m being carefully and preciously protected, I was told that it

　　was alright to not do anything so I must live, but on the other contrary it

　　felt like I’m gradually dying, said Silvia while crying softly. And then

　　she grasped my hand and told me “Thank you.” Yes, she said thank you. I, who

　　replied there was no need for thanks and addressed a smile to Silvia, I wonder

　　how long I can keep my pretended coolness.  

　　            All

　　the time, the principle that governed my conduct was my self-interest. I wanted

　　to stand beside Soleil. I couldn’t bear to be looked with scorn and disdain by

　　his eyes. I couldn’t bear to die alone and lonely, neither could I endure somebody

　　putting all the blame on me, I was fed up of being always condemned at each end

　　of my life. That’s why, to not let this happen, I tried to save Silvia. It was

　　the same in all my lives. Even this time it was probably the same. It wasn’t

　　for her sake. I was only persistency doing the things that must be done for my

　　own sake and self-interest. However, it was the first time something like guilt

　　shown through my feelings. As I watched my little sister’s cheeks flushed red

　　with joy when she stared at me, I knew I was the one that made her shows such

　　an expression, and I came to think this time was the first time I truly acted

　　like an older sister.

　　            This

　　child will one day steal Soleil from me.

　　            Because

　　I’ve always known it, while on one hand I set the goal of saving her, in

　　reality on the other hand, I wondered why

　　must I save her and felt kind of conflicted. Unnoticed, this gave birth to

　　a distance between my little sister and me, or rather, I behaved like I wanted

　　to stay away from her. It wasn’t only my parents and our servants who said she

　　must by locked up in her room because her body is frail. My parents and our

　　entourage were surely worried about my little sister, but I was different. It

　　was simply because I felt at ease thinking that as long as she stayed quietly

　　in her room I wouldn’t have to meet her. I was always looking for a legitimate reason

　　to stay away from my little sister.

　　            If

　　I must ponder about when I start to think like that, it’s probably at that tea

　　party as expected. Until that moment, Silvia had been my cute, one and only

　　little sister. 

　　            Tightly

　　grasping my hand, Silvia said with a weakened voice she has been lonely all

　　that time. While watching her listless profile, I vaguely felt that the time to

　　face each other might have come. I knew that Silvia whose body was said to be

　　too frail to bear children could get pregnant. In other words, like me she also

　　had the qualifications to marry into a n.o.ble house. An earl house with a third

　　court rank was not of a high standing but as a n.o.ble family its status couldn’t

　　be criticized and more than anything Silvia ephemeral appearance was generally

　　widely appreciated. Originally, the future of my little sister should have been

　　secured. There should have been many men willing to be adopted into our family

　　with pleasure, and even if Silvia were to leave the house the succession

　　wouldn’t be that much of a problem. Since I married into the marquis house, in

　　the worst case that Silvia would pa.s.s away due to her illness, it had been decided

　　that our father’s younger brother who was quite apart in age would inherit the

　　t.i.tle. If Silvia had been healthy, then there would have been no element in her

　　life she could have be dissatisfied with.

　　            It

　　my case, the status of Soleil’s family was too high. Surely, because various

　　coincidences piled up and the position of being his fiancé felt on my lap, I

　　desperately clung to it. Because I knew the only way to stand beside him was by

　　being his fiancé. It might have been different if we were of the same s.e.x. If

　　Soleil had wished for it, I could probably have become an ordinary friend. But

　　we were of the opposite s.e.x, if I didn’t become his fiancé staying by his side

　　wouldn’t be permit. Being a marquis’s son was that high of a social position.

　　But maybe, all that discord occurred because I was the one who became Soleil’s

　　fiancé.

　　            If

　　the other party had been Silvia?

　　            Soleil

　　would surely volunteer to protect her himself. No matter what anyone else told

　　him, there was no doubt he would have cherished and protected her to the end, wrapping

　　her in silk layers as if she was a frail porcelain doll. Even if his beloved

　　Silvia was dragged into danger because of the fact he was endowed with the

　　social position of being just below royalty, he wouldn’t let anyone get away

　　with endangering her, and would always be at her side guarding her from harm.

　　I’m sure he can do this. Even if I’m not here to protect her.

　　            After

　　all this time I reached that conclusion.  

　　“I will do my best, big sister. To

　　the extend you’ll feel proud of me…”

　　            The

　　thin fingers of my little sister who grasped her pen wrote down the formula

　　inside the notebook. For the sake of learning the territory administration

　　economics cannot be skipped. Silvia said she wasn’t good at calculation, but

　　she was persevering hard enough. I wanted her to at least memorize the languages

　　of the friendly neighboring countries and when I invited a foreign language

　　teacher, she happily started to learn the new vocabulary. At first, it was

　　probably a big mental burden for her, who didn’t have any occasion to meet with

　　people outside of our family and employees, to request to be taught by

　　strangers. But Silvia whose big eyes sparkled in happiness was not afraid to

　　learn. Until late at night, she would review what she had learn during the day,

　　and even if the number of times her lack of sleep caused anemia weren’t few, I

　　thought it wasn’t a bad sign. I didn’t know Silvia was the kind of person

　　capable of putting in that much efforts. The kindler I treat her, the more

　　cheerful Silvia became. There were days where she was sickbed as usual, but they

　　were remarkably less than before. The personal doctor of the earl house had

　　twisted his neck in wonder and made the following diagnostic, “until now there

　　probably was the effect of some mental depression.” Silvia had been said to be

　　too much frail to be able to live long. This may have already become a thing of

　　the past.

　　            And

　　then, Soleil frequently watched over Silvia and I who got closer and looked

　　intimate at first glance. On the bright face I didn’t manage to see a single

　　time in all my piled-up lives, his pairs of eyes were narrowed in tenderness.

　　Just by slightly decreasing the distance between Silvia and me, he completely

　　changed his hardened expression. “You two really get along well” he said while

　　moving his sight toward Silvia whose cheek had redden as she was dreaming of

　　the future. That figure that looked at my little sister with a deep love is

　　similar to a figure I saw somewhere, sometimes.

　　            Soleil

　　falls in love with my little sister. My little sister seizes Soleil and her

　　happiness. Then, me. …… what about me?

　　            In

　　these lives of mine that seemed to change but where nothing really changes, I

　　feel like I’m drowning and my breath is blocked. In all this suffering too,

　　there is surely some sense.

　　*

　　            The

　　day I slipped out of the mansion, it was raining.

　　            Unlike

　　last time, I coiled a black overcoat around me to blend with the darkness as I

　　sneaked away. I packed up enough clothes to last a few days in a small bag and

　　brought along jewels that could be exchanged for cash. The money I had prepared

　　beforehand was in my underwear, the daily necessities could be bought anywhere,

　　so bringing almost nothing with me I run to the place where the person who

　　would act as my guide was waiting. Probably n.o.body noticed I slipped out of the

　　mansion. The reason for this was because my wedding with Soleil would be in two

　　days, as such both mine and the marquis’s houses were pressed for time due to

　　the preparations and had no room to spare to anything else. The guard was really

　　lax, I very easily managed to sneak out. In order to make Silvia become my

　　subst.i.tute, I had judged it was probably best to flee that day. After all this

　　time it was impossible to cancel the wedding ceremony, so our earl house would

　　have no other choice but to offer an alternative. The only suitable person, was

　　my little sister Silvia. The situation was different from the previous time I

　　eloped, she had got through education to become a bride. Our parents will

　　probably be able to keep their pride. The marquis’s house too, as long as there

　　was a bride, would decide to ignore me. Even my escort knight Al who had to

　　throw away his life because of the previous me, while he might be a little

　　criticized for letting his master run away under his very noise, but it will

　　only be that. At least it won’t become a situation where his life is stolen.

　　Because anyhow, he didn’t know a single thing about the plan itself. I made all

　　the preparations by myself, from beginning to end I never consulted Al for

　　anything. If I had only been a normal teenager, I probably wouldn’t have been

　　able to think of all this. Because I was born and raised as an aristocrat, n.o.body

　　would have think I could run away, disappear in the streets and live there.

　　            However,

　　I had memories. Memories of a great number of acc.u.mulated lives. I have

　　repeated the same time, made mistakes again and again, and I’ve finally found

　　my resolution. The resolution to run away from here, the resolution to distance

　　myself from Soleil. If it’s now I can do

　　it, was what I thought while I casted away everything. Feeling as if I had

　　grown wings, I felt into the delusion that I could escape from that

　　misfortunate fate. I was convinced that I could carry through this time for

　　sure.

　　            That’s

　　probably why it turned out like this.   

　　            Rather

　　than tumbling and falling down the stairs, it felt more like being pushed off a

　　cliff. I took a step forward thinking there was a footpath but there was no

　　ground at the tip of my feet, and before I realized that I was falling, my body

　　was already thrown at the bottom of the abyss. I just left my heart behind at

　　the top of the cliff and felt down.

　　            I

　　don’t know who the traitor was. The previous time we run away, Al found our

　　cooperators by himself. They were probably either his knight comrades or close

　　friends he could trust. But this time I didn’t borrow the help of these

　　persons. Because knights entrusted their lives to each other, they were

　　especially united. If you sought the cooperation of any one of them, there was

　　the possibility that this plan would become known not only by Al but also by

　　Soleil. So this time I requested the help of one of the trustworthy merchant

　　who we frequently commerce with. Was it a mistake in the first place? Or was it

　　one of the men he asked for help who betrayed us? Anyway, before I knew it I

　　was detained by a slave trader. All my possessions were torn off me and handed

　　over to someone, at that time n.o.body would believe anymore that I was a

　　n.o.blewoman. That was natural. Because it was improbable for a young lady of a

　　n.o.ble family to be alone in the middle of the city without any escort. Changing

　　my clothes partway to mingle in the streets was a poor move. My jewels and

　　money were stolen, of course. My hair and my body were dirty because of the

　　rain that was falling when I run away, and because I feared being tracked down I

　　didn’t bring anything that could prove my ident.i.ty. Everything worked in a

　　negative direction. Now that Silvia had become my subst.i.tute, there was n.o.body

　　who would try to locate me. After having been resold and resold again and again

　　no traces were left, and nothing could prevent me from falling down to the

　　place called the lowest of all brothels. Just by the fact I had flee, I had

　　thrown mud at my parent’s home. After having done such a thing I couldn’t seek

　　their help. Although I think I cried at first, unable to call anyone’s name for

　　help, I started to wait for time to pa.s.s. As my body and flesh were violated,

　　my heart and mind too, were s.n.a.t.c.hed away.

　　            I

　　was alive, but dead.

　　            Losing

　　your mind and heart was like that. I didn’t think, I never dreamt, I probably

　　never hoped. I became unable to remember for what reason I had tried to run

　　away. But, I also remember this intuition. Somewhere inside my head, I thought

　　that I will repeat it again.

　　            …

　　… The clanking sound of porcelain striking against each other disturbed me as I

　　was originally drifting into a swallow sleep.

　　            On

　　the other side of the stained sheets, on top of the lone and desolate bedside

　　table, a gla.s.s of water placed on a cup was shaking. Reflect on the surface of

　　this gla.s.s, was a face that had lost its color, a face that brought me an

　　impression of déjà vu. It was probably because it was the expression I saw

　　reflected on the mirror that I looked at just before I died in my former life.

　　I no longer knew for how long I have been living here in that manner. Far from

　　counting the pa.s.sing days, I didn’t even keep track of the time as there was

　　nothing to show the hours here. It was the lookout outside of the room that

　　measured the fee due each hour. We were not given the slightest bit of freedom.

　　Even the liberty of knowing the time didn’t exist here.

　　“Drugs.”

　　            Maybe

　　because I seemed unlikely to move, the quiet voice impatiently urged me to take

　　them. I stayed lying on the bed and only raised my eyes, but when I did so, I

　　saw a boy looking at me, half his body leaning over me. He seemed to be around 4

　　or 5 years old. A pair of black eyes was set on his white face, his hairs were

　　black like Soleil’s, his slender neck was tilted diagonally; one by one I

　　checked his outward features and confirmed they matched the description of the

　　person that was on my mind. (Crow). I didn’t manage to say the word, the name

　　of that person disappeared when it reached the tip of my lips. The gesture of bending

　　his neck as he peered fixedly into my eyes was completely the same as the adolescent

　　Crow. I knew that he could freely change his appearance, but I didn’t know he

　　could also liberally change how old he looked. Naturally at first, I thought it

　　was my own imagination playing tricks on me. That it was someone else who

　　accidently resembled him. No matter how much their face looked the same, he was

　　much younger than the Crow I knew, since he was a child it was unlikely for him

　　to be the real person himself. It was easier to conclude he was a relative or

　　something like that. He was completely different from the Crow who I spent time

　　with at the same moments in my previous life. But Crow was Crow. There was no

　　doubt. Although the Crow of this life hadn’t even told me his name.    

　　“Can you get up?”

　　            He

　　gently put his hand on my back to support me and I finally could rise my body up

　　a bit. Crow unwrapped the red powder medicine and placed it on top of his little

　　hand. I knew that it was surely expensive and the boy must have secretly procured

　　it from somewhere. I didn’t say it out loud because Crow probably didn’t want

　　me to know about it. He didn’t even demand money in exchange. The boy who appeared

　　from nowhere as soon as I got sick, had probably been observing me from

　　somewhere just like how he did when we met in one of my previous lives. He

　　appeared in that cavern-like-brothel while claiming he was my caretaker and

　　took residence in my room as if it was the most natural thing. But no one else

　　seemed to know about him. To begin with, in this kind of place there was no

　　occupation like caretaker. Because prost.i.tutes of the lowest of lowest grade like

　　us were not considered as human being. But Crow wasn’t introduced by anyone and

　　before I knew it he was here, taking care of me.

　　            “Drink

　　even if it’s only a bit” said Crow with a sullen face as I kept my mouth closed

　　no matter how much time pa.s.sed. When I involuntary laughed because it was

　　unusual for him to make that kind of expression, he put the edge of cup at the

　　gap of my lips which had opened slightly. While coughing several times, I finally

　　managed to drink some water and swallow the drug. My throat felt weak. One I

　　started coughing it wouldn’t stop, my chest made an unpleasant wheezing sound.

　　Today too customers will surely come. I must manage to recover and get up

　　somehow. When I mumbled and moved my tongue on which remained the bitter taste

　　of the medicine, suddenly, Crow climbed on my bed. As I was wondering what he

　　would do, he kept quiet and lied down beside me. Then, he clutched my stretched-out

　　hand. His hand that didn’t transmit warmth as usual felt comfortable, probably

　　because I had a fever. I understood that feeling physically exhausted after taking

　　some medicine meant my fever was high. Even though there was the possibility to

　　catch this unknown illness, the fact that customers would still come visit this

　　room showed how humans’ l.u.s.ts were truly endless.

　　“Iria, is there anything you want?”

　　            At

　　the time I was swept away in human traffic, I was told to throw away my name. At

　　first, I did so and changed names a few times. Then when I arrived her I

　　started using my real name. I threw my family name. But, no matter what, I couldn’t

　　bring myself to give up my first name. Once again, a childish voice called out “Iria.”

　　The pair of black eyes was seizing me, in the tiny room devoid of window and

　　dominated by a deep silence, they just continued to stare at me. I knew they

　　were pressing me to answer, but in truth it had already become too tiresome to

　　even utter a single word. That’s how weak I had become, and I almost wanted to fall

　　asleep at once.

　　“Hey, Iria. Should I lend you a hand?”

　　            Inside

　　my dozing off consciousness I heard Crow gently murmuring this. The first time

　　we met, Crow certainly asked me the same question. Then, he became my hands and

　　feet exactly like he said he would and he lent me his help for all kind of

　　things. However, this Crow was not the Crow of that time. There was nothing to

　　wish from the black bird that had taken the appearance of this boy. He certainly

　　was a bird portentous of ill omen. However, in a world were only calamities existed,

　　that was no longer a misfortune.

　　“Why, why, why am I the only one, why is it only to me that things like

　　this……”

　　            That

　　day where I was loaded on a carriage like goods, with both my hands and feet restricted.

　　I, who was lamenting over all the lives had I experimented until then and over the

　　current one, was told by a girl who had been similarly caught, “… You’re not the only one.” Yes, her stagnated

　　and dispirited gaze silently told me this.

　　            That’s

　　right. I wasn’t the only one. Being deceived, caught, sold, dealt with like I

　　was a thing, piled up on a carriage like a luggage. Traded for money. I wasn’t

　　the only one who was restrained by chains and sold.

　　            But

　　surely, the only one who couldn’t escape from this h.e.l.l, was me and me alone.

　　            Silvia

　　was surely living happily under Soleil’s protection. Without being attacked by

　　a band of thieves, without collapsing in illness, she’ll gave birth and raise a

　　child, and fulfill her duty as the wife of the marquis. That child was surely

　　laughing. I set that stage and run away. I know that Soleil slightly slacken

　　his cheeks just by looking at that child. I know it. Because it has always been

　　the case. In a place where I’m not, Soleil and Silvia are probably staring at

　　each other in happiness.

　　            That’s

　　why, I’ll remain like this, in this pitch-dark place, I’ll stay here forever.